It's really hard to hit the gym more now, as that was the last place I was able to touch and see him. Going to the gym to workout and get fit again brings many emotions. Walking into the gym, reality sets in, seeing where his bags were placed that morning a rush of emotions hit me, looking at the stands where we last sat together knocks me back a few steps. Not even talking about walking across the gym floor to the cardio door just getting to the edge of the gym floor. It's hard to face the gym at times like today, it brings me to tears still not because he isn't there to run on the treadmill next to me while I walk/jog but because it's a place where our life together changed. It's changed for many months to come, yet we are that much closer to him being back where he belongs.
Running today helped, it's sort of a therapy while I miss him being on the treadmill next to the one I'm on, I know I can run out my frustrations, my anger, my hurt that he isn't there with me. I'm angry at the Army, I'm angry at people here, I'm angry my Home Based Business packet has taken this long and I still don't have any answers. I'm frustrated that my hands are tied behind my back with my business adventures, I'm frustrated that he isn't here and we aren't able to start the next chapter of our life together in 7 months. I'm hurt that I have to go to bed alone, cook dinner, do the dishes and hang out with friends and their husbands. I'm hurt that I'm a third wheel now. I'm frustrated that my career will be put on hold probably another year as we won't be at a new duty station before next school year starts. There is a lot to be frustrated over, angry at and hurt over but at the end of the day nothing I do will bring him home earlier than what the Army has planned for him to come back. It's hard to walk through the door and across the floor but in the end I feel more at peace with this deployment. It can knock me down, it can make me cry but at the end of the day it's not going to define our lives together. Hopefully this will be the last one for a while if not for good for him. I don't hold my breathe or wish deployments upon anyone.
Little by little, my run will get better and when he gets back we can enjoy the gym and outside together again. I'm already looking into places for R&R that we've talked about going to. Last time we had R&R we spent the whole time in wonderful Hawaii on the beaches and enjoying what Hawaii had to offer. Now we are looking into the Caribbean, Australia and a few other places. Leaning more towards Australia for this trip as it will be a one in a lifetime chance to go.